I Cannot Handle This

Last October we found out we were expecting another baby. While we were happy to be adding another member to the family, the news was a bit of a shock. We really weren’t expecting to get pregnant at that time and the news came only two days after my mother-in-law passed away from ovarian cancer. It was hard to be excited about anything in the midst of our grief. 

Then, less than 2 weeks later, I was helping my husband around the house when I felt severe pain and pressure in my abdomen. The pain lasted about 10 minutes before the bleeding started. I felt in my heart that we were losing the baby. I was having a miscarriage. My husband called the midwife’s office only to find out there wasn’t really anything we could do. They estimated that I would be about 6 weeks along and scheduled me for an ultrasound a week and a half later. The cramping and bleeding lasted throughout the day and friends came to help out around the house so I could get some rest. 

That week and a half before seeing the midwife was a very confusing 10 days. I wavered between sadness, relief and guilt. Sometimes I was overcome with sadness. I didn’t know why this was happening to us so soon after losing my mother-in-law. I didn’t understand why God would add to our family’s grief. Other times, I felt relief because I didn’t know if I was really ready to have another baby and then I felt guilty for even thinking that way. It was difficult to process emotionally. 

After a few days, I started feeling very sick - morning sicking kinda sick. This only added to my emotional confusion. From what I read online, it was possible to still experience symptoms of pregnancy even after a miscarriage. I didn’t know what was happening but I had a renewed hope and a faith that this baby was going to ok. 

Sure enough, on November 7, an ultrasound showed a healthy, viable, 7 week old baby. The midwife still isn’t sure what caused the pain, contractions and bleeding but she didn’t see any reason to be concerned (or maybe she didn’t want to freak me out any more than I already was). 

Here we are seven long, difficult months later and we are expecting our baby boy to join us by the end of next month. Our miracle baby. Exciting, right? But can I be honest with you for a minute? There are still times I’ve wondered to myself if this was the best outcome, if I am ready, if I can handle two kids at this point in my life. And, you know what? I can say with certainty that I am not ready. I cannot handle this. There will be rough days, months, years ahead of us just as there have been with my daughter. Thankfully, my strength comes above and not from within or we would be in a lot of trouble! 

Not Home Yet

We closed on the sale of our house only hours before one of the worst floods our area has ever seen. I was so consumed with packing and moving and getting someplace for the night that I didn’t really know what was happening around me. Within hours some people in my hometown had water up to their rooflines, people were taking shelter in their attics, cars were being swept away in currents, rescue boats were going into neighborhoods and workers were cutting holes in roofs to get people out. The Gulf Coast has had it’s share of weather related catastrophes but we’re talking hurricanes not torrential downpours in April. It has left many in the area financially and emotionally devastated.

I have tried to keep this in mind over the past week because I’ve found myself getting down on my circumstances. Yes, we successfully sold our house (yay!), but our new one (that was supposed to be finished mid-April) still has weeks to go before completion. We are staying with a dear couple who has given us access to a wonderful garage apartment with more luxuries than many have. We have plenty of room for the three of us, a little kitchenette, a memory foam mattress, and cable TV (my daughter thinks having 24/7 access to Mickey Mouse is about the best thing on earth). It truly is a blessing to be here but I still find myself getting discouraged and anxious. I long to get into our new house and to be able to turn it into our home. I long for the rest that I will experience when I sleep in my own bed. I long to move from this temporary phase to a more permanent one. 

And that’s when I’m reminded that this is all temporary. As Christians we are all stuck in the waiting room. We are all longing for home. It may not be a recognizable yearning of your heart but it’s there - that feeling that there is more than this. And let me tell you, I am so glad there is!