For This Child I Prayed

Any day now. Any day now we will be welcoming our little boy into the world. A huge part of me is ready for this to happen now. My physical body is in pain. I have a hard time walking, squatting, and standing for very long. Sleep is a precious gift that eludes me. Physically, I am ready to have this baby. I am SO tired of being pregnant. 

But there’s also a considerable part of me that wants to keep this baby inside my belly forever. To prolong the inevitable. And that’s the part of me I’m trying to come to terms with. It isn’t that I’m dreading the sleepless nights with a newborn or those exhausting and often difficult first few weeks. With enough coffee and chocolate I can survive that. 

I wrote the lines above at 7:45 AM on June 16, eight days before my due date. I didn't finish the post. My daughter woke up. Our day got started. We had to make the 50 mile drive to the midwife's office that afternoon. After the exam she informed me that I was only dilated to 1 cm and this baby would probably not make his arrival for another 1-2 weeks. Ugh. I sent messages to everyone letting them know that the baby's arrival was still a ways out.

I was more than a little disappointed at that news and proceeded to emotionally eat an entire bag of Sheila G's Brownie Brittle. Have you tried that stuff? AH-mazing! But honestly, eating 500 calories of chocolate deliciousness did little to help me feel any better. I felt like my body was failing me. Or maybe I was the one failing. I wasn't sure which but I felt helpless.

After my chocolate covered pity party I decided I had better get on with my day. Back at home I started feeling really crampy from the midwife's exam so I decided to take it easy. Throughout dinner, the cramps just got worse and on our evening walk there were moments I was in so much pain I had to lean over the stroller. Still, I was positive this was just a reaction to the exam since I hadn't had one since 35 weeks.

By six o'clock I was pretty sure I was having contractions but come on, the midwife had told me just hours ago that I wasn't close to going into labor. They must be Braxton Hicks, I thought, but still I decided to make another lap around the neighborhood and call the midwife. It was 7 PM at that point. The midwife confirmed that they were likely BH especially since they weren't following any pattern, coming as close as a minute and a half apart and only lasting for 30 seconds on average. I was instructed to drink a ton of water and lay down - maybe take a warm bath - and the contractions should stop.

My sleepy little girl and I after getting checked in at the hospital

I drank my water and laid down for about five minutes. That was long enough for me to know this was real labor. Have I mentioned that my husband has yet to pack a bag for the hospital? (To be honest, I had only packed mine that morning). He's fumbling around trying to get his things together and I'm getting pretty panicky. Oh yeah, we live almost an hour away from the hospital. My contractions were coming every 3 minutes at that point and, call me crazy but I really didn't want to deliver my child on the side of I-10.

I think my husband secretly loved driving 80+ MPH down the interstate into town. He managed to get me to the hospital in under 45 minutes. Yep, this baby was coming. And soon. Once I got put in a room and changed into my hospital gown, it was a little after 9 PM and I was already dilated to a 7.

The contractions were like nothing I had experienced with my first labor. These were intense, extremely painful and seemed to follow no pattern. It was like the contraction never fully stopped. I had no relief and in between peaks I was afraid to even move because anything would trigger another contraction. I felt a little out of control but my wonderful husband and midwife kept me focused. Everything got a little blurry there toward the end but by 10:55 PM, I was holding our sweet baby boy - Hudson.

Born at 10:55 PM. Weighing 7 lbs. 12.2 oz. and 19.5" long.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him."

1 Samuel 1:27

I Cannot Handle This

Last October we found out we were expecting another baby. While we were happy to be adding another member to the family, the news was a bit of a shock. We really weren’t expecting to get pregnant at that time and the news came only two days after my mother-in-law passed away from ovarian cancer. It was hard to be excited about anything in the midst of our grief. 

Then, less than 2 weeks later, I was helping my husband around the house when I felt severe pain and pressure in my abdomen. The pain lasted about 10 minutes before the bleeding started. I felt in my heart that we were losing the baby. I was having a miscarriage. My husband called the midwife’s office only to find out there wasn’t really anything we could do. They estimated that I would be about 6 weeks along and scheduled me for an ultrasound a week and a half later. The cramping and bleeding lasted throughout the day and friends came to help out around the house so I could get some rest. 

That week and a half before seeing the midwife was a very confusing 10 days. I wavered between sadness, relief and guilt. Sometimes I was overcome with sadness. I didn’t know why this was happening to us so soon after losing my mother-in-law. I didn’t understand why God would add to our family’s grief. Other times, I felt relief because I didn’t know if I was really ready to have another baby and then I felt guilty for even thinking that way. It was difficult to process emotionally. 

After a few days, I started feeling very sick - morning sicking kinda sick. This only added to my emotional confusion. From what I read online, it was possible to still experience symptoms of pregnancy even after a miscarriage. I didn’t know what was happening but I had a renewed hope and a faith that this baby was going to ok. 

Sure enough, on November 7, an ultrasound showed a healthy, viable, 7 week old baby. The midwife still isn’t sure what caused the pain, contractions and bleeding but she didn’t see any reason to be concerned (or maybe she didn’t want to freak me out any more than I already was). 

Here we are seven long, difficult months later and we are expecting our baby boy to join us by the end of next month. Our miracle baby. Exciting, right? But can I be honest with you for a minute? There are still times I’ve wondered to myself if this was the best outcome, if I am ready, if I can handle two kids at this point in my life. And, you know what? I can say with certainty that I am not ready. I cannot handle this. There will be rough days, months, years ahead of us just as there have been with my daughter. Thankfully, my strength comes above and not from within or we would be in a lot of trouble! 

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Maternity Clothes I Love

Pregnancy doesn't mean you have to dress in stretchy blah maternity shirts and paneled denim. Take a look at these adorable, fashionable finds from Pink Blush*.

1. PEACH WHITE TRIBAL PRINT BELTED MATERNITY TOP, $29 2. MINT GREEN KNIT MATERNITY TOP, $28 3. BLACK PRINT BELTED MATERNITY DRESS, $38 4. BEIGE LACE FITTED MATERNITY TOP, $28.99 5. BLACK PINK COLORBLOCK MATERNITY MAXI DRESS, $38

*Disclaimer: This is not a sponsored post. I just find these clothes adorable and I hope you do too. 

That Time I Swallowed a Watermelon Seed

I am currently 6 months pregnant with a kid the size of watermelon. Yesterday I had two people comment that I must be “ready to pop” any day now. Um, no, I’ve still got 3 more months but thanks for implying that my belly is enormous. That’s just what every pregnant woman wants to hear.

This has not been an easy pregnancy for me. I suffered from horrible 
morning all-day sickness and fatigue for the first 16 weeks. I could barely get off the couch. And then at about 5 months, I started having awful back pain that threatened to put me right back in my warm little corner of the sofa. I think I’ve finally gotten that under control with the help of my chiropractor and a new exercise routine.

As tired and exhausted as I feel, sleep eludes me. Never again will I tell a first-time pregnant mama to “get all the sleep you can before the baby comes.” The sleep stops long before you give birth. Long, long, before. Last night I’m pretty sure my little watermelon baby did a complete 360º over a period of about an hour. Have I mentioned the baby is a boy? I’m not sure I’m ready for this.  I’m definitely not ready for this.